Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
