You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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