ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
