I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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