You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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