So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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