I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
