sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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