Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
