note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
