On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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