I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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