my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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