Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
