im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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