Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
