hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
