So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
