apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
