Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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