whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
