my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
