my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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