My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she looked like the before picture.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
