Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
