I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
