Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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