I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
