About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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