Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
