I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize