Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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