toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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