tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
