Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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