What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
