Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
