Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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