Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
