He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
