Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
