There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
