if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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