she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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