I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
