Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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