I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
