If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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