worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
