my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
