i permit you to call me
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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