No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
