I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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