i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
