mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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