i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
