Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
