I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
