I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
